Dreaming and Wondering
by fool-kitty
Summary: Sometimes when he sleeps and dreams, he wants to remember happiness.


_Summary: Sometimes when he sleeps and dreams, he wants to remember happiness._

* * *

Sometimes, when he sleeps and dreams, he imagines a time where he still lives with his parents. They would smile and go to work and be a family together.

It is a fantasy he tries not to indulge himself in too often. After all, they are gone and there is nothing he can do about it.

* * *

"You seem troubled." He glances over his blanket to see a little boy with bright blue eyes staring at him. His forehead is creased with worry and his eyes hold genuine concern. "Are you having a nightmare?"

Sometimes, when he sleeps and dreams, he wakes up in a cold sweat and jolts out of sleep in panic. No, he reminds himself, nobody killed his parents. Nothing happened. It was a terrible tragedy that couldn't be prevented. At the tender age of eight, he likes to think that he was mature enough to handle his parents and their deaths.

The little boy starts to appear. It wasn't anything frightening at first. Yes, the sight of another child in his room _was_ startling, but he feels himself be calm and collected around the boy. He looks as small as a toddler, yet his words were on par with an adult.

"No, just a dream," he tells the boy. His eyes are still heavy with sleep, but his mind races with the leftover images that still linger in his mind.

"Oh. What kind of a dream is it?"

It takes him a while to think of an answer, but he finally settles on a vague, "one that I can't have."

The next morning, he only remembers a set of ocean blue eyes filled with understanding.

* * *

Every day, he feels empty. At age ten, his teachers would explain to his guardians that he was a very quiet child and didn't interact with anyone. They would then try to make him talk with others, but he would always shrug and place a pair of teal colored headphones on his ears.

"Why don't you talk to anyone," they ask one night over a tense dinner. He didn't really remember their names, but their faces are recognizable enough to him. "Your teachers are worried about you."

He finishes his miso soup and calmly places the spoon down on the table. With that, he rises from his seat and looked at them.

"Because I don't want to lose anybody else."

* * *

Some nights when he dreamed, he imagined a family. A woman with soft light blue hair sat in front of him, playing with him and smiling at him. He saw a man with gray eyes full of love and admiration.

"How are you?"

He doesn't look at the other adult in front of him. He was a person that his guardians sent him to with hopes that this would help him. He has been going for a week and he didn't really do anything but politely answer the person's questions.

"I'm fine."

"Hmm," he writes down something on a notepad in his lap, "I heard about your parents."

"They're dead."

He hears the other person take a sharp intake of air. What else could he say? He accepted it for what it was and there was no way to sugarcoat something like death.

"…yes, I know. How do you feel about it?"

His mind conjured an image of that family, smiling and happy.

"I'm fine."

* * *

At age eleven, he moves again. His guardians claim that they didn't have the necessary resources to take care of him. Too many mental problems and not enough social skills, they say.

His social worker has thrown him to another family and he notes how little they care about him. His aunt from his father's side would take care of him, they tell him. He carries his suitcase to their place and quietly raps on the door. The door opens and reveals a woman with gray eyes leering at him with disdain. Beside her is another child with messy brown hair.

"You must be my brother's son."

He nods and keeps himself still.

"Come in." And he follows her inside, ignoring how she goes on about the city putting useless children in her care.

He sees the child, a girl upon closer inspection. She has brilliant crimson eyes, unlike that of any other and he finds himself wondering what kind of person had eyes like those.

"Hello," he says to her.

"H-hello."

"What's your name?"

"I-it's Minako."

* * *

He doesn't really interact with other people. He constantly moves about and that leaves little room for someone like him to do anything. Often, he is labeled as the weird kid, the strange one that stays away from others.

He didn't mind it so much.

"S-so how was school?" He glances over at his little cousin, her frown marring her face. "I hear stuff from my friends."

Concern is something he has grown used to. Many people have asked him about his mental state that it isn't even a surprise. Her words are tinted with another emotion though, and he finds himself almost breathless.

_Empathy._

"I'm tired."

She didn't leave anytime soon, but when she gently placed a small hand over his, he found himself at ease.

* * *

Sometimes, when he has time and he lies on his bed, he imagines a family. A woman with blue hair caring for him and a man never there, but always working. He sees a girl the same age, exuberant and bright and playing with him.

"I see you've been fine." The boy sits on the edge of his bed, his small hands lightly patting his head.

He hums, but says nothing.

"Do you think that things will be different?" A question that carries too many what ifs that he couldn't trust himself with the answer. He chooses not to answer and revels in the feeling of hands caressing his hair. "You're my precious person and I refuse to let anything bad happen to you."

"Easier said than done."

Silence was his answer.

* * *

"Come on, play with me!" She tugged at his arm, guiding him towards the playground. The request sounded more like an order, but that was fine.

"I'm coming."

She cheered and ran towards the metal contraption designed for fun. He followed her, but a throb of pain erupted behind his eyes.

When he closed his eyes, he saw –

_"No, don't do this!"_

_ A numb feeling goes through him as he realizes the last battle will very well kill him. It all makes sense now._

_ "But why? After all we've been through…"_

_ But of course. This was the reason. He has people to protect. The world aside, those precious people he holds close would live to see another day. He could deserve to be selfish for just a little bit._

Nothing. The pain subsided and he felt a little dizzy. When he reopened his eyes, bright ruby orbs watched his own.

"Are you okay?"

He didn't have an appropriate response, so he simply shook his head and asked to go back to the house. He ignored the concerned glances from her.

* * *

"You're becoming attached."

He ignores the voice in favor of sleep. He wants to see a family again, the one that he was born with. Not this…pseudo one he's grown and created in his mind.

"Don't worry…I'm sure you'll find comfort soon."

He doesn't remember falling asleep, but when he does, he dreams of all his family and that makes him happy.

* * *

She sat on the couch, an eight year old girl with a weary look in her eyes. He couldn't let her go like that. Besides, that look in her eyes was too familiar.

"Is something wrong?"

She didn't move at all. He walked closer to her and saw that she was holding something in her hands. A picture frame.

"…dad. I miss him."

He watched her slowly crumble into nothing. He then realized that she was crying silent tears. A drop landed on the glass frame.

"He died, you know. An accident when I was just a baby."

Somehow, the words struck something deep inside him. Emotions buried inside became overwhelming. He quietly sat down beside her and laid a hand on her shoulder.

When she leaned in and rested her head on her shoulder, he felt more at ease than ever before. When he closed his eyes, he imagined a world full of beauty and light and a girl with glistening ruby eyes and a shining smile.

* * *

"No! Don't go, please."

He was fourteen, dimly noting how he had spent three years at this house. His aunt still talked negatively about his staying here ("Corrupting my daughter, are you?"), but even she was not immune to his leaving, evident from her tears.

He raised a hand to pat her on the head-

_"I will watch over you." He feels a hand ruffling his hair and it feels so comforting, so…nice. "Your dream will be realized."_

-and pulled together a small smile for her.

"I'll be back."

Somehow, he knew that he was lying to her.

* * *

He's been all over the world, even overseas, but he still feels empty.

Sometimes, when he sat by himself, he indulged in a fantasy. At fifteen, he should be old enough to stop making fantasies. He imagined still being in that small house with his cousin, cheerfully coloring her new book with an assortment of colors. He imagined seeing his aunt lazing about on the couch, waiting for the oven to finish broiling the slab of meat she threw in there.

He wondered when that became his perfect image of a family.

* * *

At age sixteen, he receives a scholarship in the mail.

_ You are being given a full paid tuition to one of the most prestigious schools in the country due to your excellent academic progress…_

That is all he could bring himself to read before his new guardians snatches the letter out of his hands. Their faces pale at the words and if he were a different person, he would have found it comical.

He goes upstairs to pack what little belongings he had.

* * *

"Ready?"

He doesn't stir when he hears the voice. In fact, he welcomes it at this point. "Ready for…?"

When he doesn't get an immediate answer, he rises from his bed and looked around. The little boy has grown up quite a bit, but he still has those haunting eyes.

"Time delivers us all to the same end."

* * *

A day before he was scheduled to leave, he had a package.

"I don't know who this is, but it's for you." His guardian said carefully. He thanked her politely and went to his room to inspect it.

A medium sized box, he noted. He shook it and heard a bit of rattling inside. When he found the return address, he froze. He sat there, reading it over and over again as if it was an illusion.

_From: Minako_

He tore open the box, though with more grace and patience than what he thought he really had. He found a smaller box wrapped in some obscenely pink paper and a blue bow delicately placed on top. He also found a letter.

_Hey, it's been a while! Mom finally relented into letting me know your address, though I think it was more to just shut me up. Anyways, I doubt you still remember me, but mom was telling me about how your birthday was coming up in a few weeks, so that's when I had to ask._

_I remember that you were this quiet kid and you always seemed so…out of reach. I don't really remember a lot from when I was younger, but the moments I spent with you seem a lot brighter in my mind and that makes me happier than you could ever imagine._

_What I do remember though is your penchant for music. So, with the money I saved up from mom, I bought you something. I hope you like it! :)_

_Sincerely and with much love,_

_Minako _

_P.S.- Don't forget, you made a promise with me!_

He opened the gift with as much care as possible. When he saw the gleam of the silver headphones, he sat there quietly for a long time until his guardians reminded him about his leaving. He came down with his new headphones in place, remembering to cherish them forever.

* * *

He is on the train, droning out all news with his newfound headphones when he sees a blue butterfly gently fly by the window of a train going at about 90 miles per hour.

It's strange, he thinks to himself, as it flaps its odd-colored wings. He lifts his head-

"_You'll live in peace, with no knowledge of the Fall."_

_The idea is tempting. He never wanted this. The responsibility of the world should not have fallen on his shoulders and this is a chance to wipe it off his slate. But no, there are people here that deserve to see spring. Ruby eyes beckon him to stop._

_A sad smile appears on the other boy's face. "I understand."_

-and then it's gone. Before he realizes it, the train has slowed down and has reached its final destination of the night.

"Bound for Iwatodai."

* * *

"So…I heard your family died."

He throws a glance at the girl walking beside him. She seems to have a habit of prying into matters that should stay where they should, but he doesn't fault her for it. After so many years passing by, he's grown used to the curiosity and annoyance of people asking. However, this girl is insistent. Takeba Yukari, she introduces herself as.

He doesn't answer and focuses his attention on the rapidly passing by world that was the man-made Port Island. She doesn't move either, instead watches him with large concerned eyes.

"…that's not true." He mumbles to her quietly and she almost looks in disbelief that he has said something.

"Uhh…what do you mean?"

His mind wanders back to crimson eyes full of joy and smiles and bliss.

* * *

His fifth day here, he realizes that this is the same town that his parents died in. The fact does not jar him as much. However, it's the idea that he's let that slip from his mind.

Memories have always haunted him. Sometimes, he feels as if he loses track of time and he can't keep things in focus. Time is relative, he learns quickly, as he realizes today is a special day. Or was it yesterday?

He looks down at the two graves and thinks to himself how well he truly knew them compared to Minako and his aunt.

* * *

Dark Hour aside, these people in his life have started to grow on him. All their quirky personalities meshed together in one dorm have led to…questionable experiences.

"So, what are you doing? Writing a _love_ letter?" However, this was not one of them. At the current moment, he is hiding a piece of paper from Junpei, who is peering over his shoulder and has that lecherous look in his eyes. "C'mon, I promise I won't tell!"

"Leave him alone, Stupei. If he doesn't want to show it to you, then stop." Yukari pipes in with a scolding, but looks just as curious as the boy now pouting and telling her to not call her by that insulting nickname.

He stands up from his seat on the couch and heads for his room before either of them has the chance to retaliate. When he enters his room, he locks it and places his chair at the doorknob to prevent them from coming in. A necessary precaution, he reminds himself. He then pulls out the letter.

_Hey!_

_ So I'm surprised you're in Gekkoukan! I heard that school was really hard to get into. I didn't know you were so smart…haha jk. ;)_

_ Mom tries to pretend like she doesn't care, but she reads the letters you send home every night after I 'fall asleep'. It's actually sorta cute in her own way. I remember when she used to yell at you for every little thing._

_ I sent you another CD that I thought you might like. Hopefully, we have the same taste in music. _

_ Oh yeah, and your friends sound undeniably crazy. Though, considering it's you describing them, I have to take that in with a grain of salt. Not saying that you're lying to me, but I remember when you said I was, and I quote, a happy freak. Sorry….:)_

_ Okay, well, I'll stop for now. Mom is, like, basically yelling at me to go to sleep now. Haha, I think she wants me to sleep so she can read your letters again. Well, good night (or good morning?) and you better write me back. I love you!_

_ -Minako_

_ P.S.- when's your next break? I'm sure you could come back and see us!_

After he finishes reading the last line, he sits there for a long time and wonders when she managed to become a part of his family.

* * *

More people have joined. He didn't really know what to think of a growing team, especially since he was the one that had to keep track of their progress. What weaknesses they carried, who were the best to bring along…keeping that in mind with his ever-changing personas and their weaknesses and that led to some massive headaches.

"You ever think that he's pushing himself?" He heard a timid voice. Fuuka, his mind supplied him with. "He's always doing stuff after school, going to the school clubs and then talking to other people. I think…he should rest."

"As long as he says he wants to go to Tartarus, then that is not of my concern." Mitsuru says calmly. "He looks healthy every time he says he wants to go and we have to keep going to figure out what lies at the top."

Somehow, he already knew what was there.

* * *

It was a fresh kind of hell that inflicted itself upon him today.

"Sooooo….who's Minako?" Junpei sat down next to him with a smug smirk on his face. "C'mon, I can't believe you've been hiding this from me!"

He glanced over at him apathetically, but his mind raced. How did he know? Did he leave a letter out? What if he read them?

"I don't care."

The other boy pouted for a bit before smiling again. "Hey, don't pretend like you don't care! Besides, if you really don't care, then why'd she call here asking for you? Do you have a girlfriend-"

He sat up from the seat and went straight for the phone. There were no messages, so it meant someone picked up.

"Dude, so you _do_ have a thing for someone. Wow, so you've been playing all those girls at school-"

"What did she say?"

Mild panic erupted in Junpei's eyes, but he didn't care. He wanted to know what she said and that mattered more.

"She…umm, said to call her back by this number. I wrote it down. Dude, are you okay?"

When he dialed the number, he wondered why she called him. He gave her the number as an emergency in his last letter and told her not to call it too often because of his dorm mates. So…why?

The phone clicked.

"Minako."

"O-oh my god…it's you." Her voice was quivering and it was hard not to rush straight back to her and start asking questions. "M-mon…she's…"

"It's okay. Tell me what happened."

"S-she…got…s-shot while s-she w-was at work…I cou-couldn't do an-anything."

As he listened, he felt something tear itself deep in his soul. As he comforted her (it's going to be alright, Minako. Auntie will be fine.), he felt something go amiss.

When he hung up, he duly ignored Junpei's questions in favor of the wet tears now streaking down his face.

* * *

October was a terrible month, he decided.

The loss of a precious friend aside (no, he can't do that, he was his friend, he can't forget about him), he now had another dilemma.

"Mom…she passed away this morning."

She was doing fine. Auntie was doing fine. She was.

"Th-they said she contracted Apathy Syndrome…s-she sto-stopped breathing."

He didn't know what to say.

* * *

He stopped calling her. He couldn't bring himself to talk to her without feeling guilty. He could have prevented it. He could have, if only he had more time.

"Hey," Akihiko watched him quietly. "…are you okay?"

He nodded slowly, but found that even he couldn't believe himself. The boxer stood in front of him for a moment before sitting next to him. He glanced toward the other boy.

"S-so…we heard what happened." But of course. The day she called, Junpei had heard it all and proceeded to call the rest of the team. By the time they came down, he had already cleaned up the mess and calmed them down.

But there was no use hiding the truth.

"I…the team, I mean, are concerned."

When Akihiko placed a comforting hand on his shoulder, he stilled.

"I-I'm sorry. But I know how you feel…I had someone…pass away too."

"Aside from Shinji?" And he knew he shouldn't have said that, for the grip on his shoulder tightened harshly for a second before letting loose.

"No. I mean…damn it," he sighed sadly. Silence settled in deep between them. "It was…my little sister."

And he sat there, thinking of Minako. Somehow, the two stayed silent, thinking of their own tragedies and understanding each other in silent acceptance.

* * *

He doesn't attend the funeral. Something gnaws at him as he climbs up the staircase in Tartarus. His aunt would yell at him for being so callous, but he found that to be a saddening thought more than anything.

As he dodges another strike and slashes away at the shadows, his mind becomes resolved.

He will protect the people close to him, by any means.

* * *

"Sacrifice is a heavy thing." The little boy prattles on. "You let others enjoy a life that you give up in hopes that they'll live to see another day. But death doesn't work like that. You can't ward it off with martyrdom."

He looks at Pharos, noting how the child is frowning at him. He knows what he's thinking and he's repeating it back to him.

"You only have one year, you know."

* * *

Sometimes, when he sleeps and dreams, he sees a woman and her child walking farther and farther away from him. The child with auburn hair looks back and has a sad smile on her face.

"You're going somewhere I can't follow you to."

And then he wakes up and realize that maybe she is speaking the truth.

* * *

After all the tragedies that have occurred in his life, this was the last thing he could give back to the world. His tattered, broken life has been utilized for one greater good and he can't even enjoy that with his friends.

During the last week of February, he dialed a number into his cell phone. It wasn't too late to fix this one last relationship.

The phone clicked after two beeps.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Minako." Exhaustion crept into his voice, but he hoped that she didn't pick that out.

"Oh wow! Hey!" She almost screamed into the speaker, which almost deafened him. "This is new. You never call me."

He flinched at the suspicion because damn it, he didn't want a reminder of the shitty way he dealt with their relationship. Then he heard a scoff from the other end.

"I'm kidding. So what's up?"

His eyes were starting to close again and no, he can't. He wanted to enjoy time with his little cousin.

"Hey, you okay?"

It took him a second before he could reply. "Yeah…I'm just tired, is all."

He heard a squeak from her end, which he took as her going to her bed. "Oh. Well, do you wanna sleep then? I don't want to keep you up."

"I called you," he smiled to himself here, "so you don't have to unless you want to."

As she accepted the call and started to talk to him about her life so far, he's crying because he knows that he won't be able to hear her anymore.

* * *

March 5th, he closes his eyes for the last time.

In another city, she receives a package from him. She happily opens it and then freezes. A familiar set of silver headphones stare back at her with a small note inside.

_I'm afraid I can't keep that promise. Thank you for these, but I'm afraid I won't need them anymore._

She picks up the phone and frantically dials his number. When he doesn't pick up, she calls the dorm and when someone picks up, she starts babbling about his whereabouts because her suspicions can't be right, they can't-

"…I'm sorry."

She lets out an anguished scream.

* * *

Sometimes, when she sleeps and dreams, she remembers her mother and cousin by her side. Somehow, the thought doesn't comfort her as well as it should. His friends are nice, she thinks to herself as they talk to her. They rehash memories of their time with him and she finds it comforting to know he had great friends on his side.

Sometimes, when she sleeps and dreams, she imagines being happy with him. She takes it to heart and continues living for him and her mother.

_A/N: So…yeah? The story does seem disconnected, but what I wanted to convey was the idea that the MC experienced time differently. The ones in present tense were moments that just slipped by whereas the past tense parts were moments that he actually lived in that memory. I hope that clears it up…maybe._


End file.
